Here is a list of the top 10 most important things I learned from the year 2008.
10. Good things only happen if you don't care, or they don't matter.
9. If you're going to screw up at your job, screw up as bad as possible.
8. If someone makes you pinky-swear to never be a rapist, one of you has problems.
7. "Showing up" is half the battle, BUT YOU STILL HAVE TO WIN THE OTHER HALF!
6. Women can't be trusted. Fun, yes. Trustworthy, no.
5. Depression is the number one killer of people society doesn't care about.
4. Doctor Who is awesome, whereas Battlestar Galactica twists like a soap opera.
3. This is the circle of life: you hate people, you become like them, and karma smacks you in the face.
2.Rules=exploitation of the dumb and hopeful.
1. There are two types of people: those who laugh in your face, and those who wait until you're out of the room. The hard part is deciding which you are.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Thursday, January 1, 2009
In 2009, everything will change.
I am writing this post from the future.
In 2009, everything will change.
On inauguration day, Barack Obama will reveal that he is really two Egyptian midgets and Joe Biden is a giant turkey. However, by that point they will have used their influence to obtain the Ark of the Covenant from Area 51, which they will open during the inauguration speech, killing Washington's political elite and ending global warming. The country then learns that, due to a technicality in the PATRIOT ACT (and a profitable friendship with the Bush twins), Paris Hilton is the only legal candidate for the presidency.
During her first six months in office, President Hilton will travel the globe, holding closed door meetings with world leaders and throwing huge parties. A period of world peace is declared, and all violence ceases. This lasts for three months, then several things happen. First, people are outraged when more than 150 videos surface showing the president servicing the leaders of other countries. Second, an epidemic of venereal diseases sweep governments worldwide. Third, when the world demands compensation from the U.S., Secretary of Defense "The Rock" instructs them to "just bring it", and Secretary of State Snoop Dogg writes a song calling them b****es and threatening to "show them the gangsta".
The war was devastating. The surviving humans are now ruled over by mutant gerbils. They don't understand human procreation and force us to breed constantly while running on the giant wheels that power their interstellar spacecraft. Fortunately, I managed to forge a note from my doctor freeing me for the day.
Prepare yourself.
In 2009, everything will change.
On inauguration day, Barack Obama will reveal that he is really two Egyptian midgets and Joe Biden is a giant turkey. However, by that point they will have used their influence to obtain the Ark of the Covenant from Area 51, which they will open during the inauguration speech, killing Washington's political elite and ending global warming. The country then learns that, due to a technicality in the PATRIOT ACT (and a profitable friendship with the Bush twins), Paris Hilton is the only legal candidate for the presidency.
During her first six months in office, President Hilton will travel the globe, holding closed door meetings with world leaders and throwing huge parties. A period of world peace is declared, and all violence ceases. This lasts for three months, then several things happen. First, people are outraged when more than 150 videos surface showing the president servicing the leaders of other countries. Second, an epidemic of venereal diseases sweep governments worldwide. Third, when the world demands compensation from the U.S., Secretary of Defense "The Rock" instructs them to "just bring it", and Secretary of State Snoop Dogg writes a song calling them b****es and threatening to "show them the gangsta".
The war was devastating. The surviving humans are now ruled over by mutant gerbils. They don't understand human procreation and force us to breed constantly while running on the giant wheels that power their interstellar spacecraft. Fortunately, I managed to forge a note from my doctor freeing me for the day.
Prepare yourself.
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