Snuggie Your Brains Out.

In this time of economic depression, the country could use fresh ideas. We need innovation and originality to bring our various industries back from the abyss.

The South Americans are pushing their free-trade agreements, the Japanese have cheap, fuel efficient cars, and Chinese have billions of poor people willing to work for almost nothing.

But America has "the Snuggie".

For those of you not subject to post-midnight infomercials, the Snuggie is a new addition to the personal warmth industry that no one on the Snuggie website wants to take credit for (they're so humble). What the Snuggie does is cover your arms, legs, and entire body in heat-insulating fabric. Have you ever heard of such a thing? Cool, huh?

The most important thing the makers of the Snuggie want to tell us is that it is not a blanket, because BLANKET'S SUCK (actually, the commercial claims blankets are, "okay", but defective). So what's the difference? The far superior Snuggie has sleeves!

That's right, bitches, it's a body-covering-heating fabric with sleeves!


"But wait," you may ask, "isn't that called a robe?" Hell no! You see, on a robe, the opening is in the FRONT, and on the Snuggie, it's in the BACK (in what, I suspect, is an attempt to make pooping easier while still keeping you warm). THEY ARE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT!

Yeah, you COULD just flip your robe around so the opening's in the back, but isn't that too much work? Wouldn't it be easier to spend between $20-30 on a product who's instructions tell you to wear it that way? Then there's no pesky thinking to stop you from playing Guitar Hero or waiting for your grandchildren to call (those ungrateful brats).

Just in case the sleeved, non-blanket body covering doesn't sell itself, I do think that Snuggie Inc. could use some constructive criticism about their advertising. Their commercials are filled with smiling people of all ages in their flowing not-a-robe-s enjoying everyday activities--reading, watching TV, taking rings to Mordor, etc. That's all well and good, but where's the hot chicks in bikinis shaking it? Or the classy and slightly slutty arm candy who appears when a man dons his macho Snuggie, just to rub his chest and pout suggestively? Or even a thinly veiled message about wearing a Snuggie topping sex with the hot chick? C'mon, Snuggie Inc., if you want that coveted 18-34 male demographic, you've got to put out.

See?

The real lesson of Snuggie success is, while you may have spent years in school just to get a pink slip and lose your pension, some jack-off is making thousands because he got high during a X-Men marathon and put his robe on backwards.

Still, if the 90s taught me anything, it's that Americans will pay through the nose for lazy--er, convenience. So if thinking hurts your brain, you've (somehow still) got disposable income, and wish you could look like a Vulcan priest, then get your Snuggie today!

OMG Frank Miller is like SO talented!

*Best Fanboy Impression*
If you only thought his movies were okay, THEN YOU ARE A F**KING RETARD. How dare you say that the almighty Frank Miller only takes already used plots and characters, slows it down, gores it up, films it in shroom-vision, and sells it as canned awesomeness?!
*Best Fanboy Impression*

I've been told, repeatedly, that Sin City and 300 are the greatest movies of all time. Why? Slow motion, black and white, blood, and strippers. Apparently, adding any of these elements to a scene causes elitist film students to wet themselves and scream about how brilliant you are. Or at least that's how it works for Mr. Frank Miller.

Maybe I'm too critical. Maybe that's just how Miller sees life. Every day of his life is a non-stop action thrill ride of noir cliches, ridiculously high blood pressure, super human abilities, and short term memory loss. Maybe all I need to understand his greatness is to try to see the world through his eyes....

SIN BATHROOM: 3300

In a dirty bathroom, on a dark and stormy night, one man is sitting on a badly tarnished toilet. Everything is in black and white. The man's face is contorted in unholy rage, squeezing out a massive crap. Close up on his face (profile), contrasted as a pure black outline against gray background. He cries out in pain. He's straining so hard he breaks his teeth (in slow-mo), and bites his tongue in half. Blood sprays all over every wall, the floor, and ceiling for five minutes while a deep, throaty male voice-over reads "Green Eggs and Ham". Enter a blond female dressed in a tight leather maids' outfit, fishnets, and high heels, holding a BIG ASS gun in one hand and a whip in the other. They just STARE INTENSELY at each other for two minutes. Blood drips from man's mouth (blood in color). Close up on woman's gun, then eyes, then her ass with the man on the toilet seen in the back ground through her legs. Woman spouts some cliche nonsense through a thick accent (Asian, southern, English, whatever). In slow mo, both pull out cigarettes and metal lighters and start smoking. Smoke billows dramatically in the air for ten minutes.
Splash in the toilet.
BATHROOM EXPLODES!!! (flames in color)
Police sirens can be heard in the distance while the run-down building burns. Screen fades to black....

Then fades into a completely unrelated scene featuring characters no one knows or cares about--a McDonald's in the slums (neon sign says "GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS" and "BIG MAC MONDAY" in color). A female stripper dressed as Ronald McDonald pole dances in the lobby (big red shoes in color) while a man in the back room beats his wife. Another man molests a child in the corner. Everyone is smoking a cigarette (including molested child). Close up of every part of strippers body in this order: hair, eyebrows, lips, armpits, breasts, elbows, back, hips, kneecaps, and ankles. While hanging upside down, the stripper cuts her finger on the floor, causing blood to shoot ten feet into a crowd of customers. Man in crowd jerks off in slow motion while dramatic music plays.