The South Americans are pushing their free-trade agreements, the Japanese have cheap, fuel efficient cars, and Chinese have billions of poor people willing to work for almost nothing.
But America has "the Snuggie".
For those of you not subject to post-midnight infomercials, the Snuggie is a new addition to the personal warmth industry that no one on the Snuggie website wants to take credit for (they're so humble). What the Snuggie does is cover your arms, legs, and entire body in heat-insulating fabric. Have you ever heard of such a thing? Cool, huh?
The most important thing the makers of the Snuggie want to tell us is that it is not a blanket, because BLANKET'S SUCK (actually, the commercial claims blankets are, "okay", but defective). So what's the difference? The far superior Snuggie has sleeves!
That's right, bitches, it's a body-covering-heating fabric with sleeves!
"But wait," you may ask, "isn't that called a robe?" Hell no! You see, on a robe, the opening is in the FRONT, and on the Snuggie, it's in the BACK (in what, I suspect, is an attempt to make pooping easier while still keeping you warm). THEY ARE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT!
Yeah, you COULD just flip your robe around so the opening's in the back, but isn't that too much work? Wouldn't it be easier to spend between $20-30 on a product who's instructions tell you to wear it that way? Then there's no pesky thinking to stop you from playing Guitar Hero or waiting for your grandchildren to call (those ungrateful brats).
Just in case the sleeved, non-blanket body covering doesn't sell itself, I do think that Snuggie Inc. could use some constructive criticism about their advertising. Their commercials are filled with smiling people of all ages in their flowing not-a-robe-s enjoying everyday activities--reading, watching TV, taking rings to Mordor, etc. That's all well and good, but where's the hot chicks in bikinis shaking it? Or the classy and slightly slutty arm candy who appears when a man dons his macho Snuggie, just to rub his chest and pout suggestively? Or even a thinly veiled message about wearing a Snuggie topping sex with the hot chick? C'mon, Snuggie Inc., if you want that coveted 18-34 male demographic, you've got to put out.
See?
The real lesson of Snuggie success is, while you may have spent years in school just to get a pink slip and lose your pension, some jack-off is making thousands because he got high during a X-Men marathon and put his robe on backwards.
Still, if the 90s taught me anything, it's that Americans will pay through the nose for lazy--er, convenience. So if thinking hurts your brain, you've (somehow still) got disposable income, and wish you could look like a Vulcan priest, then get your Snuggie today!
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