What Life Expects From You.

At times, we find ourselves asking the same old questions over and over again. How did I get here? Why am I so/not happy? Why are other people so hard to relate to? What do I have to look forward to in the future?

Are the questions or the answers more depressing?

I find the lack of answers more depressing than having to ask the questions.

And it is true that the questions have no answers. The reason for that is that there is no comparable standard between different peoples lives. I haven't seen much of the world--ask around--but what I have seen has drawn me to one inescapable conclusion, no matter how cliche it seems.

There are no rules.

No rules. No logic. And with no rules and no logic there is no way to duplicate the success of others. Life is a random collection of events and people. It's all about being in the right place, at the right time, with the right people. That's what makes lazy people successful, stupid people rich, turns shy people into Don Juans, and throws depressed people into groups of support.

Or not.

P.L. #6: 20 Things I Hate.

20. People who clear their throats loudly, for any reason.
19. People who wear cloths inappropriate for their size (in any body area)
18. Larry the Cable Guy fans.
17. Hyper-judgmental people (they're not ALL religious).
16. People unfamiliar with deodorant, showers, or a toothbrush.
15. People who think they can get whatever they want by yelling.
14. People who drive 10 miles under the speed limit on a one lane road.
13. Family Guy's social commentary.
12. People who eat loudly.
11. School.
10. Hippies.
9. Douchebags, who life feels don't need to be humbled, who can apparently say, do, and break any rule they want without facing any consequences.
8. Stupid girls. Seriously, there is no rule that says stupid girls are more attractive.
7. Rich Mormons.
6. Fake people.
5. White guys who dress and imitate a minority.
4. Society in general.
3. Reality TV.
2. Life.
1. Being ignored.

Pointless List #3: Way to a Woman's Heart Through Music.

Apparently, a good way to attract women is with music (I'm resisting a "play like a fiddle" comment here). So in the interest of public service and virtue, I'll share music in my collection that you, the people, could apply to various, related situations and your sappy mix tapes.

Disclaimer: these are all debatable. Some fit into more than one category, and tough decisions had to be made. Others may not be related to the subject at all, it depends on your opinion.

Songs with female names in them:

Chelsea Dagger--The Fratellis
Henrietta--The Fratellis
Hard to Explain--The Storkes*
Helena--My Chemical Romance
Goodnight Julia--The Seatbelts
Jacqueline--Franz Ferdinand
Lady Madonna--The Beatles
Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds--The Beatles
Romeo and Juliet--The Killers cover
Take, Take, Take--The White Stripes

Songs about songs for women:
Darts of Pleasure--Franz Ferdinand

Songs with reference to breaking "the touch" barrier:
I Stand Corrected--Vampire Weekend.

Songs about the power of love:
I've Got the World on a String--Frank Sinatra
Witchcraft--Frank Sinatra
Grace Kelly--Mika
Love Today--Mika
Ring of Fire--Johnny Cash
Everlong--Foo Fighters
Ladies of the World--Flight of the Conchords
Between a Man and a Woman--Flogging Molly
Hey Jude--The Beatles

Songs about traveling for love:
M79--Vampire Weekend
Diggin'--The Seatbelts
Am I Sexy--Lords of Acid
Come Fly With Me--Frank Sinatra

Songs about friends who fall in love:
Meet Me in the Bathroom--The Strokes

Songs about rejection/frustrating love:
Auf Ausche--Franz Ferdinand
She's a Rejector--Of Montreal
I Don't Love You--My Chemical Romance
Relax, Take It Easy--Mika
This River is Wild--The Killers
Change Your Mind--The Killers
Bones--The Killers
For Reasons Unknown--The Killers
Let It Die--Foo Fighters
For the Girl--The Fratellis
A Kiss is Not a Contract--Flight of the Conchords
Juicebox--The Strokes
Take It or Leave It--The Strokes
My Doorbell--The White Stripes
Pick Up the Phone--The Notwist
Mr. Brightside--The Killers
Reptilia--The Strokes
Love Dump--Static-X
I Can't Win--The Strokes
The End Has No End--The Strokes
A Martyr For My Love For You--The White Stripes
Try Your Luck--The Strokes
The Fool on the Hill--The Beatles

Songs about awkward love:
Modern Girls and Old Fashioned Men--The Strokes

Songs about depressing love:
Leave Out All the Rest--Linkin Park
Better Than Me--Hinder
Perfect Situation--Weezer

Songs about expressions of love:
Boom--Flight of the Conchords
Business Time--Flight of the Conchords
If You're Into It--Flight of the Conchords

Songs about first encounters:
Whistle for the Choir--The Fratellis
Ol' Black N' Blue Eyes--The Fratellis
The Most Beautiful Girl--Flight of the Conchords

*More debatable a placement than others.

What I Learned From 2008.

Here is a list of the top 10 most important things I learned from the year 2008.

10. Good things only happen if you don't care, or they don't matter.
9. If you're going to screw up at your job, screw up as bad as possible.
8. If someone makes you pinky-swear to never be a rapist, one of you has problems.
7. "Showing up" is half the battle, BUT YOU STILL HAVE TO WIN THE OTHER HALF!
6. Women can't be trusted. Fun, yes. Trustworthy, no.
5. Depression is the number one killer of people society doesn't care about.
4. Doctor Who is awesome, whereas Battlestar Galactica twists like a soap opera.
3. This is the circle of life: you hate people, you become like them, and karma smacks you in the face.
2.Rules=exploitation of the dumb and hopeful.
1. There are two types of people: those who laugh in your face, and those who wait until you're out of the room. The hard part is deciding which you are.

In 2009, everything will change.

I am writing this post from the future.

In 2009, everything will change.

On inauguration day, Barack Obama will reveal that he is really two Egyptian midgets and Joe Biden is a giant turkey. However, by that point they will have used their influence to obtain the Ark of the Covenant from Area 51, which they will open during the inauguration speech, killing Washington's political elite and ending global warming. The country then learns that, due to a technicality in the PATRIOT ACT (and a profitable friendship with the Bush twins), Paris Hilton is the only legal candidate for the presidency.

During her first six months in office, President Hilton will travel the globe, holding closed door meetings with world leaders and throwing huge parties. A period of world peace is declared, and all violence ceases. This lasts for three months, then several things happen. First, people are outraged when more than 150 videos surface showing the president servicing the leaders of other countries. Second, an epidemic of venereal diseases sweep governments worldwide. Third, when the world demands compensation from the U.S., Secretary of Defense "The Rock" instructs them to "just bring it", and Secretary of State Snoop Dogg writes a song calling them b****es and threatening to "show them the gangsta".

The war was devastating. The surviving humans are now ruled over by mutant gerbils. They don't understand human procreation and force us to breed constantly while running on the giant wheels that power their interstellar spacecraft. Fortunately, I managed to forge a note from my doctor freeing me for the day.

Prepare yourself.

How to Use People: Rules 1-4

1. Make People Want to Be Used.
Promotions, lovers, money, security, spiritual fullfillment--there are lots of things people want. Things that people dream about, hope for, or want to avoid. You can use these desires for your own ends. All you have to do is make people believe that you can help them get what they want, or at least, make it easier. Often people do this by alluding to a "secret" to success that only they, or a small few, possess.

2. Make The Rules, Then Break Them.
Okay, you don't really have to make up all the rules. On a personal level, you can make up one or two, but there are global establishments that already have rules for social behavior in place (religion, ethics theories, political/economical beliefs). Use them. All you have to do is profess your belief in them and get enough people to subscribe to the system. Then you can take advantage of these people by cutting corners and breaking rules you know they won't. Be careful, though. You still have to seem like you believe in the system, or other people will abandon it. If you do get caught breaking a rule, persuade people that it was an extremely exceptional circumstance and that it was a very difficult decision on your part. Crying helps.
If you do it right, people will be amazed at you're ability to succeed while they continue to fail by obeying the rules. Many will attempt to get close to you to learn your secret, which will make them easier to use. However, keep an eye out for others breaking the rules. Try to get them exposed and shamed, to eliminate competition.

3. Hold 51% of the Power in Any Relationship.
Let's face it--you'll never be able to completely exploit people if they are controlling you. You need to do one of two things: make sure they need you, or make them think they need you. The second may be the more powerful, because perception greatly affects how people act. In the first case, they may need you, but will not act accordingly if they are unaware of it--though you can emphasis this by leaving them for a while and letting them come back to you. If they think they need you, the impact of reality is minimized. Take caution, though, both kinds of control take work.
While they often overlap, there are basically five areas of control:
A. Mental
B. Emotional
C. Spiritual
D. Physical
E. Financial

4. Don't Sacrifice Relationships Lightly.
Some relationships take more work than others. Still, none should be thrown away without good cause. It is like a game of chess. You don't sacrifice your pieces just for the heck of it. You sacrifice them to put you in a better position to take your opponent's king. In life, only sacrifice your relationships to get you into a better position to attain what you want. If possible, sacrifice the relationship in such a way that you could reuse it in the future if you need to. It is always a good idea to have assets in reserve.

Author's Note: This is for fun and to vent frustration. The sarcasm is heavy. I am so fricken sick and tired of people coming down on me for not following the rules when they only do so if it's convenient. I'm sick of people taking advantage of me. I'm sick of the double standard where it's okay for people to do whatever the hell they want but these same people try to keep others "in their place" with rules, ideas, anger, etc. Most of all, I'm tired of the bitches and bastards who become rich, well liked, and successful simply by BEING bitches and bastards who then tell everyone else how they should act "properly" and "nice". If you want to be an ethical business person, you'll spend your life in the mail room, while the CEO bangs his secretary, steals company money, cheats on his taxes, and travels the world. That is, apparently, the way the world is. And, yes, I've got problems.

Snuggie Your Brains Out.

In this time of economic depression, the country could use fresh ideas. We need innovation and originality to bring our various industries back from the abyss.

The South Americans are pushing their free-trade agreements, the Japanese have cheap, fuel efficient cars, and Chinese have billions of poor people willing to work for almost nothing.

But America has "the Snuggie".

For those of you not subject to post-midnight infomercials, the Snuggie is a new addition to the personal warmth industry that no one on the Snuggie website wants to take credit for (they're so humble). What the Snuggie does is cover your arms, legs, and entire body in heat-insulating fabric. Have you ever heard of such a thing? Cool, huh?

The most important thing the makers of the Snuggie want to tell us is that it is not a blanket, because BLANKET'S SUCK (actually, the commercial claims blankets are, "okay", but defective). So what's the difference? The far superior Snuggie has sleeves!

That's right, bitches, it's a body-covering-heating fabric with sleeves!


"But wait," you may ask, "isn't that called a robe?" Hell no! You see, on a robe, the opening is in the FRONT, and on the Snuggie, it's in the BACK (in what, I suspect, is an attempt to make pooping easier while still keeping you warm). THEY ARE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT!

Yeah, you COULD just flip your robe around so the opening's in the back, but isn't that too much work? Wouldn't it be easier to spend between $20-30 on a product who's instructions tell you to wear it that way? Then there's no pesky thinking to stop you from playing Guitar Hero or waiting for your grandchildren to call (those ungrateful brats).

Just in case the sleeved, non-blanket body covering doesn't sell itself, I do think that Snuggie Inc. could use some constructive criticism about their advertising. Their commercials are filled with smiling people of all ages in their flowing not-a-robe-s enjoying everyday activities--reading, watching TV, taking rings to Mordor, etc. That's all well and good, but where's the hot chicks in bikinis shaking it? Or the classy and slightly slutty arm candy who appears when a man dons his macho Snuggie, just to rub his chest and pout suggestively? Or even a thinly veiled message about wearing a Snuggie topping sex with the hot chick? C'mon, Snuggie Inc., if you want that coveted 18-34 male demographic, you've got to put out.

See?

The real lesson of Snuggie success is, while you may have spent years in school just to get a pink slip and lose your pension, some jack-off is making thousands because he got high during a X-Men marathon and put his robe on backwards.

Still, if the 90s taught me anything, it's that Americans will pay through the nose for lazy--er, convenience. So if thinking hurts your brain, you've (somehow still) got disposable income, and wish you could look like a Vulcan priest, then get your Snuggie today!