1. Make People Want to Be Used.
Promotions, lovers, money, security, spiritual fullfillment--there are lots of things people want. Things that people dream about, hope for, or want to avoid. You can use these desires for your own ends. All you have to do is make people believe that you can help them get what they want, or at least, make it easier. Often people do this by alluding to a "secret" to success that only they, or a small few, possess.
2. Make The Rules, Then Break Them.
Okay, you don't really have to make up all the rules. On a personal level, you can make up one or two, but there are global establishments that already have rules for social behavior in place (religion, ethics theories, political/economical beliefs). Use them. All you have to do is profess your belief in them and get enough people to subscribe to the system. Then you can take advantage of these people by cutting corners and breaking rules you know they won't. Be careful, though. You still have to seem like you believe in the system, or other people will abandon it. If you do get caught breaking a rule, persuade people that it was an extremely exceptional circumstance and that it was a very difficult decision on your part. Crying helps.
If you do it right, people will be amazed at you're ability to succeed while they continue to fail by obeying the rules. Many will attempt to get close to you to learn your secret, which will make them easier to use. However, keep an eye out for others breaking the rules. Try to get them exposed and shamed, to eliminate competition.
3. Hold 51% of the Power in Any Relationship.
Let's face it--you'll never be able to completely exploit people if they are controlling you. You need to do one of two things: make sure they need you, or make them think they need you. The second may be the more powerful, because perception greatly affects how people act. In the first case, they may need you, but will not act accordingly if they are unaware of it--though you can emphasis this by leaving them for a while and letting them come back to you. If they think they need you, the impact of reality is minimized. Take caution, though, both kinds of control take work.
While they often overlap, there are basically five areas of control:
A. Mental
B. Emotional
C. Spiritual
D. Physical
E. Financial
4. Don't Sacrifice Relationships Lightly.
Some relationships take more work than others. Still, none should be thrown away without good cause. It is like a game of chess. You don't sacrifice your pieces just for the heck of it. You sacrifice them to put you in a better position to take your opponent's king. In life, only sacrifice your relationships to get you into a better position to attain what you want. If possible, sacrifice the relationship in such a way that you could reuse it in the future if you need to. It is always a good idea to have assets in reserve.
Author's Note: This is for fun and to vent frustration. The sarcasm is heavy. I am so fricken sick and tired of people coming down on me for not following the rules when they only do so if it's convenient. I'm sick of people taking advantage of me. I'm sick of the double standard where it's okay for people to do whatever the hell they want but these same people try to keep others "in their place" with rules, ideas, anger, etc. Most of all, I'm tired of the bitches and bastards who become rich, well liked, and successful simply by BEING bitches and bastards who then tell everyone else how they should act "properly" and "nice". If you want to be an ethical business person, you'll spend your life in the mail room, while the CEO bangs his secretary, steals company money, cheats on his taxes, and travels the world. That is, apparently, the way the world is. And, yes, I've got problems.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Monday, December 29, 2008
Snuggie Your Brains Out.
In this time of economic depression, the country could use fresh ideas. We need innovation and originality to bring our various industries back from the abyss.
The South Americans are pushing their free-trade agreements, the Japanese have cheap, fuel efficient cars, and Chinese have billions of poor people willing to work for almost nothing.
But America has "the Snuggie".
For those of you not subject to post-midnight infomercials, the Snuggie is a new addition to the personal warmth industry that no one on the Snuggie website wants to take credit for (they're so humble). What the Snuggie does is cover your arms, legs, and entire body in heat-insulating fabric. Have you ever heard of such a thing? Cool, huh?
The most important thing the makers of the Snuggie want to tell us is that it is not a blanket, because BLANKET'S SUCK (actually, the commercial claims blankets are, "okay", but defective). So what's the difference? The far superior Snuggie has sleeves!
That's right, bitches, it's a body-covering-heating fabric with sleeves!
"But wait," you may ask, "isn't that called a robe?" Hell no! You see, on a robe, the opening is in the FRONT, and on the Snuggie, it's in the BACK (in what, I suspect, is an attempt to make pooping easier while still keeping you warm). THEY ARE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT!
Yeah, you COULD just flip your robe around so the opening's in the back, but isn't that too much work? Wouldn't it be easier to spend between $20-30 on a product who's instructions tell you to wear it that way? Then there's no pesky thinking to stop you from playing Guitar Hero or waiting for your grandchildren to call (those ungrateful brats).
Just in case the sleeved, non-blanket body covering doesn't sell itself, I do think that Snuggie Inc. could use some constructive criticism about their advertising. Their commercials are filled with smiling people of all ages in their flowing not-a-robe-s enjoying everyday activities--reading, watching TV, taking rings to Mordor, etc. That's all well and good, but where's the hot chicks in bikinis shaking it? Or the classy and slightly slutty arm candy who appears when a man dons his macho Snuggie, just to rub his chest and pout suggestively? Or even a thinly veiled message about wearing a Snuggie topping sex with the hot chick? C'mon, Snuggie Inc., if you want that coveted 18-34 male demographic, you've got to put out.
See?
The real lesson of Snuggie success is, while you may have spent years in school just to get a pink slip and lose your pension, some jack-off is making thousands because he got high during a X-Men marathon and put his robe on backwards.
Still, if the 90s taught me anything, it's that Americans will pay through the nose for lazy--er, convenience. So if thinking hurts your brain, you've (somehow still) got disposable income, and wish you could look like a Vulcan priest, then get your Snuggie today!
The South Americans are pushing their free-trade agreements, the Japanese have cheap, fuel efficient cars, and Chinese have billions of poor people willing to work for almost nothing.
But America has "the Snuggie".
For those of you not subject to post-midnight infomercials, the Snuggie is a new addition to the personal warmth industry that no one on the Snuggie website wants to take credit for (they're so humble). What the Snuggie does is cover your arms, legs, and entire body in heat-insulating fabric. Have you ever heard of such a thing? Cool, huh?
The most important thing the makers of the Snuggie want to tell us is that it is not a blanket, because BLANKET'S SUCK (actually, the commercial claims blankets are, "okay", but defective). So what's the difference? The far superior Snuggie has sleeves!
That's right, bitches, it's a body-covering-heating fabric with sleeves!
"But wait," you may ask, "isn't that called a robe?" Hell no! You see, on a robe, the opening is in the FRONT, and on the Snuggie, it's in the BACK (in what, I suspect, is an attempt to make pooping easier while still keeping you warm). THEY ARE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT!
Yeah, you COULD just flip your robe around so the opening's in the back, but isn't that too much work? Wouldn't it be easier to spend between $20-30 on a product who's instructions tell you to wear it that way? Then there's no pesky thinking to stop you from playing Guitar Hero or waiting for your grandchildren to call (those ungrateful brats).
Just in case the sleeved, non-blanket body covering doesn't sell itself, I do think that Snuggie Inc. could use some constructive criticism about their advertising. Their commercials are filled with smiling people of all ages in their flowing not-a-robe-s enjoying everyday activities--reading, watching TV, taking rings to Mordor, etc. That's all well and good, but where's the hot chicks in bikinis shaking it? Or the classy and slightly slutty arm candy who appears when a man dons his macho Snuggie, just to rub his chest and pout suggestively? Or even a thinly veiled message about wearing a Snuggie topping sex with the hot chick? C'mon, Snuggie Inc., if you want that coveted 18-34 male demographic, you've got to put out.
See?
The real lesson of Snuggie success is, while you may have spent years in school just to get a pink slip and lose your pension, some jack-off is making thousands because he got high during a X-Men marathon and put his robe on backwards.
Still, if the 90s taught me anything, it's that Americans will pay through the nose for lazy--er, convenience. So if thinking hurts your brain, you've (somehow still) got disposable income, and wish you could look like a Vulcan priest, then get your Snuggie today!
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Surprise Ending! People Suck,
Hi world. You suck. The end.
No, wait, there's more. Why do you suck? Because you're full of selfish, pompous douchebags.
Before you, the douchebags, get all snarl-faced, know that I include myself in this equation. So shut up, or I'll punch you in the throat. I am also selfish and pompous. I'm just not as good at getting what I want.
But hold up a second. Let's review the world today. Go to your nearest window. Just do it. Look outside. See the people? Try to distinguish between those who seem happy and those who seem frustrated--those who have managed to surround themselves with the things and people they want and those who've not. Got it?
Good. Hold an image of each and every one of those happy people in you mind while I tell you this: all those people recently stepped on someone, screwed them over, whined, cheated, or manipulated someone else to get their way.
Now, The Others. Put their images in your mind and hear this: some of those people have consciences. Some of those people today came to a proverbial "fork in the road", faced with a decision of whether or not they would, as the happy people would, cheat their way to happiness, and they chose the moral option. Now they are unhappy. And some of those people took the other route, cheating people, and yet have nothing to show for it. They've lost, and are, perhaps, the saddest group because of it. Having attempted to sacrifice their morality for happiness, they lost both.
And we're all to blame. All of us, because we take part in this system, we conform to it and shape ourselves to fit its pieces. Some of us even believe in it like a religion.
Haha! Just kidding! No one sees the world this way! How depressing would that be?
Puppies.
Ice Cream.
Summer Love.
Your dream car.
Bubbles.
A good joke.
The world cares.
The above is a work of bitches meant for comedic value. Any resemblance to actual persons, ideas, or feelings--living or dead--is coincidental.
Monday, December 15, 2008
OMG Frank Miller is like SO talented!
*Best Fanboy Impression*
If you only thought his movies were okay, THEN YOU ARE A F**KING RETARD. How dare you say that the almighty Frank Miller only takes already used plots and characters, slows it down, gores it up, films it in shroom-vision, and sells it as canned awesomeness?!
*Best Fanboy Impression*
I've been told, repeatedly, that Sin City and 300 are the greatest movies of all time. Why? Slow motion, black and white, blood, and strippers. Apparently, adding any of these elements to a scene causes elitist film students to wet themselves and scream about how brilliant you are. Or at least that's how it works for Mr. Frank Miller.
Maybe I'm too critical. Maybe that's just how Miller sees life. Every day of his life is a non-stop action thrill ride of noir cliches, ridiculously high blood pressure, super human abilities, and short term memory loss. Maybe all I need to understand his greatness is to try to see the world through his eyes....
SIN BATHROOM: 3300
In a dirty bathroom, on a dark and stormy night, one man is sitting on a badly tarnished toilet. Everything is in black and white. The man's face is contorted in unholy rage, squeezing out a massive crap. Close up on his face (profile), contrasted as a pure black outline against gray background. He cries out in pain. He's straining so hard he breaks his teeth (in slow-mo), and bites his tongue in half. Blood sprays all over every wall, the floor, and ceiling for five minutes while a deep, throaty male voice-over reads "Green Eggs and Ham". Enter a blond female dressed in a tight leather maids' outfit, fishnets, and high heels, holding a BIG ASS gun in one hand and a whip in the other. They just STARE INTENSELY at each other for two minutes. Blood drips from man's mouth (blood in color). Close up on woman's gun, then eyes, then her ass with the man on the toilet seen in the back ground through her legs. Woman spouts some cliche nonsense through a thick accent (Asian, southern, English, whatever). In slow mo, both pull out cigarettes and metal lighters and start smoking. Smoke billows dramatically in the air for ten minutes.
Splash in the toilet.
BATHROOM EXPLODES!!! (flames in color)
Police sirens can be heard in the distance while the run-down building burns. Screen fades to black....
Then fades into a completely unrelated scene featuring characters no one knows or cares about--a McDonald's in the slums (neon sign says "GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS" and "BIG MAC MONDAY" in color). A female stripper dressed as Ronald McDonald pole dances in the lobby (big red shoes in color) while a man in the back room beats his wife. Another man molests a child in the corner. Everyone is smoking a cigarette (including molested child). Close up of every part of strippers body in this order: hair, eyebrows, lips, armpits, breasts, elbows, back, hips, kneecaps, and ankles. While hanging upside down, the stripper cuts her finger on the floor, causing blood to shoot ten feet into a crowd of customers. Man in crowd jerks off in slow motion while dramatic music plays.
If you only thought his movies were okay, THEN YOU ARE A F**KING RETARD. How dare you say that the almighty Frank Miller only takes already used plots and characters, slows it down, gores it up, films it in shroom-vision, and sells it as canned awesomeness?!
*Best Fanboy Impression*
I've been told, repeatedly, that Sin City and 300 are the greatest movies of all time. Why? Slow motion, black and white, blood, and strippers. Apparently, adding any of these elements to a scene causes elitist film students to wet themselves and scream about how brilliant you are. Or at least that's how it works for Mr. Frank Miller.
Maybe I'm too critical. Maybe that's just how Miller sees life. Every day of his life is a non-stop action thrill ride of noir cliches, ridiculously high blood pressure, super human abilities, and short term memory loss. Maybe all I need to understand his greatness is to try to see the world through his eyes....
SIN BATHROOM: 3300
In a dirty bathroom, on a dark and stormy night, one man is sitting on a badly tarnished toilet. Everything is in black and white. The man's face is contorted in unholy rage, squeezing out a massive crap. Close up on his face (profile), contrasted as a pure black outline against gray background. He cries out in pain. He's straining so hard he breaks his teeth (in slow-mo), and bites his tongue in half. Blood sprays all over every wall, the floor, and ceiling for five minutes while a deep, throaty male voice-over reads "Green Eggs and Ham". Enter a blond female dressed in a tight leather maids' outfit, fishnets, and high heels, holding a BIG ASS gun in one hand and a whip in the other. They just STARE INTENSELY at each other for two minutes. Blood drips from man's mouth (blood in color). Close up on woman's gun, then eyes, then her ass with the man on the toilet seen in the back ground through her legs. Woman spouts some cliche nonsense through a thick accent (Asian, southern, English, whatever). In slow mo, both pull out cigarettes and metal lighters and start smoking. Smoke billows dramatically in the air for ten minutes.
Splash in the toilet.
BATHROOM EXPLODES!!! (flames in color)
Police sirens can be heard in the distance while the run-down building burns. Screen fades to black....
Then fades into a completely unrelated scene featuring characters no one knows or cares about--a McDonald's in the slums (neon sign says "GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS" and "BIG MAC MONDAY" in color). A female stripper dressed as Ronald McDonald pole dances in the lobby (big red shoes in color) while a man in the back room beats his wife. Another man molests a child in the corner. Everyone is smoking a cigarette (including molested child). Close up of every part of strippers body in this order: hair, eyebrows, lips, armpits, breasts, elbows, back, hips, kneecaps, and ankles. While hanging upside down, the stripper cuts her finger on the floor, causing blood to shoot ten feet into a crowd of customers. Man in crowd jerks off in slow motion while dramatic music plays.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Homework Aversion Therapy.
What I learned today: when I have homework to do, the clock is ticking, and I've lost all hope of completing the assignment, I create a pointless blog. I say pointless, because what can I say that no one's heard millions of times over and over?
The internet was supposed to give voice to the individual, but I think it just created more noise to drown them out--also lots of porn. Lots, and lots, and lots of porn.
Just know that it the time it takes to read this, everyone else on your street has had sex--half of them for money, and a quarter of them for webcams.
See? Pointless.
The internet was supposed to give voice to the individual, but I think it just created more noise to drown them out--also lots of porn. Lots, and lots, and lots of porn.
Just know that it the time it takes to read this, everyone else on your street has had sex--half of them for money, and a quarter of them for webcams.
See? Pointless.
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